Buddha and love - the path to a happy partnership

Lama Ole Nydahl

....When we meet and fall in love, appearance is clearly the deciding factor. Psychology assumes that the choice of a partner continues to be determined by characteristics related to beauty and strength, such as body structure, facial shape, scent and body language, despite many centuries of culture and social teaching.
The Buddha draws attention to still other aspects, for everyone can see in the colourful chaos that is going on that it is not only the aforementioned qualities that can be decisive. The mutual and long-term attraction between two people is determined primarily by karma. Memories of loved ones who resemble the new partner and old vows and bonds from earlier times also have an influence....

...At the beginning of a relationship, many people become aware of and enjoy the special conditions that allow them to share all the good things with their partner, to give each other joy, to discover new worlds and to spend nights in the best company. It is very helpful to remind ourselves of this gift every day. Problems then lose their weight and gratitude for every moment emerges.
Unfortunately, few people know how to "persuade" conditions to persist. If we look at the world with open eyes, read an intelligent newspaper and find time for the news in the evening, we observe a colorful picture: everywhere we see happy and unhappy people, freshly in love and grieving, relationships full of joy or pain. The better we look, the more we realize that just as the states of mind of all people are constantly changing, so too is what seems to our senses to be quite fixed and real. Nothing in the world, not even the world itself, has always been here, and nothing will remain here forever. This is the second basic idea: everything is impermanent. And since even a loved one can die or run away tomorrow, it pays to forgive and not to blame. Insight into the impermanence of all phenomena, into the circumstances that condition them, and dealing meaningfully with changing situations is a good method for keeping fresh not only in a relationship, but in everything we encounter in life...

... Everyone learns better in a long-term relationship. If it works well, it can be very satisfying and bring much happiness. If we are willing to complement and meet on an outer, inner and secret level, fidelity can bring the time, space and depth needed for a lot of development.
In general, we should cause as little suffering as possible on the sexual level, because in this area one is particularly vulnerable. With fidelity, there is a space for trust that touches both partners exclusively. It allows them to open up completely to each other, which is necessary for the path of common development. Everyone has their own threshold of sensitivity and therefore there are a corresponding number of rules of the game in the field of fidelity. Each couple, and each person for themselves, must ultimately define their own...
...What to do to make a partnership a success
Consciously developing a partnership relationship will allow for the understanding that we are now experiencing the consequences of situations from previous lives while continually planting the seeds of our future. There are certain disturbing behaviors that we prefer to avoid to the best of our ability. It is often sad indeed to see how many, because of their moods and egotistical behaviour, deprive themselves of the clarity that is needed for this understanding. To build up protection in the form of good karma, the Buddha recommended ten useful ways of acting that are effective in protecting the partnership and in every situation in life, while planting a great number of good impressions in the mind. They are the direct opposite of the actions he earnestly discouraged everyone from doing. For better understanding, we distinguish between actions at the level of body, speech and mind.
10 useful ways of acting
Body
Protection of life
Generosity
bringing sexual pleasure
Speech
Truthfulness
creating harmony and accord
calm and trustworthy speech
meaningful speech
Mind
unpretentiousness and contentment
positive affection for others
development of the right perspective

...mutually for each other
In an open, deep and honestly guided partnership, we learn in a complete and comprehensive way that encompasses all aspects of life. The union creates space and joy and provides interesting friction surfaces for single people to develop and grow. The decision to be there for each other brings responsibility as well as an inner security that releases the inertia of habits and allows for rapid human development. When partners fulfill each other's desires, the "one-on-one relationship" is at its best and allows for a rich life for both.
Each relationship develops patterns of behaviour that are typical of that relationship. Couples and families develop a kind of secret language: affectionate names, gestures that express their lifestyle or relate to their shared experiences. There is a strong sense of "WE" associated with the way they greet each other, say goodbye, when and how they eat, what an evening in front of the TV looks like, and so on. ... If the intimate habits of the lovers disappear and no new ones appear, the union of the partners is weakened. On the other hand, if attention and love are lacking, the relationship is easily paralysed and the constant repetition can turn into a prison. For couples who do not deepen the connection through meditation, it is especially wise not to allow small mutual attentions to become empty platitudes. On the contrary, consciously expand them and revive the magic of mutual exchange ever anew on the basis of gratitude. Something like this warms and connects the heart.
Buddhists consider the connection between a woman and a man to be of great value. It brings special opportunities for development. If, on the basis of Buddhism, we want to bring even more meaning into our life together, we can seek the advice of a spiritual teacher - a lama - and have a blessing for the development of the relationship. This is called Buddhist marriage and usually takes the form of a short blessing for the couple.
In countries where Buddhism is not recognised as a religion, Buddhist marriage has no social or legal implications. It takes place in accordance with the essence of the teachings, i.e. without religious pressure, but has an impact on an internal and secret level. We make a conscious choice to develop together, to stand by each other, to help each other, even if one of us grows old or ill first. Although it is more of a blessing than something legal, it has great power and protects couples from dead ends in which their relationship could end because of common distractions. Buddhism offers a means of counteracting the wear and tear of everyday habits, helping the couple to constantly perceive themselves and others at a high level. Buddhist marriage is useful for separate people on the Buddhist path who complement each other and want to develop together.
...What happens in enriching, rewarding love? It is based on attraction and lives on joyful exchange. They both love each other and give each other their best. What the partners put into the relationship complements each other in a good way and both learn. They put their enthusiasm, insight and body into the relationship, and because the encounter is so immediate, both gain and become richer. Happiness-bringing love that liberates and fulfills manifests itself in four different ways: by being able to encompass all areas of exchange without any effort, by active compassion, by shared joy, and by unwavering mental balance; it applies to all levels of life.
The Buddha wished all beings to realize the four kinds of love, for they are a direct prerequisite for attaining enlightenment. The more love we develop for beings, the easier life will be. We won't be so easily attacked, and we won't be so upset by so-called "injustices." We will learn to look differently at enemies and what we consider foreign, our circle of friends will expand, and we will become more relaxed about change. We will appear more attractive to others, because everyone enjoys loving attention. When we open ourselves up through love, we can be more helpful to all beings.
The four kinds of Buddhist love (the four immeasurables)

Love
We love everyone without exception, without thinking about what they do, say or think, and wish them all happiness.

Compassion
We know that everyone experiences suffering, no matter what life conditions they live in, and we wish all beings to free themselves from suffering and act accordingly.

Shared Joy
We rejoice in the happiness of others together with a deep wish that it be lasting.

Equality
The mind is no longer bound by disturbing emotions such as attachment or aversion and is aware of the Buddha nature of all beings.

The realization of these four kinds of love is the focus of many Buddhist meditations...
The Loving Eyes Buddha Chenrezig (Skt. Avalokiteshvara) represents the compassion of all Buddhas. When we meditate on this Buddha form, it is in no way about praying to the Buddha, but about merging with him and fully realizing his compassion and love....

You can read more about Chenrezig here
Sherab Gylatsen Rinpoche has written a commentary on Meditation on Chenrezig Buddha, which you can buy in an English edition on our e-shop